By Dr. Alysa VanderWeerd
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is deeply rooted in the sinful desire for dominance and control over others with a lack of self-control. It, truly, destroys the intimacy and oneness God designed in marriage and is a gross offense to the sacredness and holiness of marriage.
In Hebrews 13:4 NLT, God commands "Give honor to marriage and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery." Here, God calls out abusers and adulterers with a direct statement, warning sexual-immoral abusers that they will be judged by Him. From a Christian biblical worldview that judgment looks differently in the lives of Christians. God absolutely punishes the offender in proportion to the suffering they caused His people - Jeremiah 25:14, God has declared that abusers will not inherit the Kingdom of God - 1 Corinthians 6:10, and God has clearly stated that men or women who violate another individual's spouse in a sexual manner reject Him as God, and He will avenge that sin as He has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives - 1 Thessalonians 4:6-8.
Intimate Partner Violence Defined
According to the US Department of Justice, the term intimate partners is defined as “current or former spouses, boyfriends, and girlfriends” (Levers, 2012, p. 180). Intimate Partner Violence (IVP) is witnessed in many forms such as: physical violence behaviors, emotional and psychological abuse, and economic control/abuse (Gosselin, 2014). The physical violence behaviors are witnessed in: kicking, slapping, hitting, shoving, choking, stabbing, and sexual assault or rape, and intimate partner homicide (Price, 2017, p. 250). Emotional and psychological abuses are seen in: name calling, criticizing, playing mind games, humiliating the partner, and threats of violence (Gosselin, 2014, p. 159). According to the CDC, the emotional and psychological abuses are also witnessed in the perpetrator stalking the victim in repeated patterns of unwanted attention or physical contact that cause fear or concern for their own safety or their loved ones safety. When the abuser makes threats of violence, they make the victim afraid by: using looks, gestures, destroy personal property, hurting pets, displaying weapons, threatening to leave, threatening to take the children, threatening to commit suicide, and threatening to reveal homosexuality to the community, employer or family (Gosselin, 2014, p. 159-160). Finally, economic control/abuse is witnessed in the abuser creating a situation of financial dependency for the victim, by way of: keeping the victim from getting a job, getting the victim fired from their job, making the victim ask for money, or taking the money that the victim has earned (Gosselin, 2014, p. 159).
Outcomes of Intimate Partner Violence
The victim is traumatized by the abuser’s behavior and there are long term consequences they have to face, as the fear and stress of the violence results in chronic physical health conditions and psychological health conditions, such as: gynecological problems related to forced sex, chronic headaches, fatigue, neck pain, back pain, anxiety, depression, shame, PTSD, lack of concentration, and difficulty making decisions (Levers, 2012, p. 182). The victims often cope negatively by engaging in destructive behaviors like smoking, drugs, binge drinking, and risky sexual activity (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2024). Moreover, it is very difficult for the victim to maintain a job while they are being abused (Gosselin, 2014, p. 162), and many victims suffer from poverty once they leave their batterer.
The CDC states the US crime reports indicate one in five homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner. Moreover, over half of the female homicide victims are killed by a current or former intimate partner.
The physical and psychological toll on victims is severe and often lifelong. In addition to the personal struggles that surface with being traumatized by one's intimate partner, and the family, friends and community struggles that surface is the economic burden of IPV. The CDC states due to the economic cost of medical services for IPV related injuries, loss of productivity at work, criminal justice costs and other costs there is an approximate $3.6 trillion global economic burden due to IPV. They also state the cost on individuals for a lifetime is approximately $103,767 for women and $23,414 for men.
The Cycle of Violence Theory
The Cycle of Violence theory that describes the interactions between the offender and the victim, detail the dynamics of the abuse in three phases: tension, abuse, relief/honeymoon (Gosselin, 2014, 174-175). In the tension phase, the abuser is irritable and there is poor communication with minor incidents of abuse (Gosselin, 2014, 174-175). The victim is often compliant and tries to minimize any problems; while the offender tries to take control through dominance, which causes the victim to withdraw (Gosselin, 2014, 174-175). In the abuse phase, the abuser acts violently; either physically, sexually and/or emotionally (Levers, 2012, p. 184). In the final phase, the relief/honeymoon phase, the abuser is remorseful and displays apologetic behavior; often promising to change, keeping the victim hopeful (Levers, 2012, p. 184). However, the abuser often repeats this cycle of abuse. When the cycle of abuse repeats itself, as Christians, we see there was no repentance, only remorse - and no fear of God. Remorse repeats the offense; repentance removes the root of the offense.
Christian Worldview of Intimate Partner Violence
IPV is serious and very prevalent in society today. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximately 41% of women and 26% of men have experienced IPV which included sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner; and over 61 million women and 53 million men experienced psychological aggression from their intimate partner. It is estimated, however, that only 49% of IPV is reported to police (Gosselin, 2014, p. 166). Many fear reporting the abuse to medical personnel and the police because they are afraid of the legal interventions that will take place (Levers, 2012, 182). IPV impacts not only the victim, but the society and following generations, with a profound reduction of quality of life (Levers, 2012, 184).
The fact is God really cares, as He has commanded people to love. There is no justifiable excuse for abuse. There is nothing hidden from God, as Hebrews 4:13 NLT says, “Nothing in all creation can hide from him. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes. This is the God to whom we must explain all that we have done.” He sees every abuse taking place, nothing is hidden from Him. God is holy—Psalm 99:9, and just; and abusers will experience God divine correction—2 Thessalonians 1:6, and legal consequences.
He has called His people to love Him and to love others—Matthew 22:37-39. IPV is not loving God, in its direct defiance to Him and His commands, and it definitely is not loving people. When one loves others, they prove that they know God—1 John 4:20-21. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts our fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” IPV is hatred expressed; it is not love. Many who have suffered or who are currently suffering from IPV experience incredible amounts of fear, as they are subject to the cruel behaviors of their abuser that are often repeated. It is constant psychological and physical duress that has lifelong adverse outcomes, negatively impacting one's psychological well-being, physical well-being, social well-being and spiritual well-being.
When individuals do not experience love in marriage, they question God, as marriage is one of His ordained ways to experience love in relationship. Many are confused, shocked, numb, struggling with depression or anxiety. Marriage pictures Jesus Christ's relationship with the church - Ephesians 5:22-33, and so for those who know this, they struggle psychologically and spiritually as their experience is confusing as it does not line up with what they know God desires.
Experiencing IPV is not the will of God, it is counter the will of God. God desires everyone to be loved, thus His command to love our neighbors as ourselves. Every Christian should be encouraging healthy relationships, not divisive, abusive or toxic.
Christian Counseling for Intimate Partner Violence
IPV is abuse of power in intimate relationships and is to be corrected by Christians. Abuse of power is witnessed in many different forms and is a God type desire lacking God's love.
When Christian men are abusing their wives, they are defying God who commanded them to love their wife as Christ loves the church - Ephesians 5:25, to lay down their life for their wife for her holiness - Ephesians 5:25-26, and to dwell with their wife in understanding, as she is the weaker vessel though equal heirs of grace or God will not hear their prayers - 1 Peter 3:7.
When Christian women are abusing their husband they are defying God in refusing to live wisely and pure, they are not taking care of their homes, they are not doing good, refusing to submit to their husband and refusing to love their husband - Matthew 22:39, Titus 2:4-5. The Christian woman who is abusing her husband is also rebelling against God who commanded her to respect her husband and his leadership of the home - Ephesians 5:33.
It is important for counselors to be prepared, equipped with knowledge, when counseling victims of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). Victims learn unhealthy coping behaviors while enduring the abuse; and thus, the counselor needs a specific understanding that comes with knowledge of IPV in order to not misdiagnose.
The different coping mechanisms include: denial that their injuries are real, denial of abuse, dissociation, numbing of emotions, they develop a need to pacify the batterer to survive, they adopt the batterer’s worldview, they may reject offers of help if they think it would aggravate the batterer, they may have a salvation ethic of wanting to care for their abuser, they may believe that their commitment to God and religion or tradition means they must stay in the relationship, and/or they have an inability to recognize practical or emotional alternatives (Levers, 2012, p. 185, 189).
Moreover, they may be struggling with depression not solely because of the experience of violence with their intimate partner, but because it counters their faith in Jesus Christ. Thus, they may be experiencing a spiritual battle that includes confusion and is presenting itself in depression, anger or a desire to disassociate with the Christian church due to wrongly correlating their experience with Jesus Christ. This can negatively impact their personal walk with Jesus Christ, as they view Him as cruel, distant, and unloving which is statistically shown to increase divine struggle (Exline et al., 2015).
The counselor, first needs to assess whether the victim is still in physical danger (Levers, 2012, p. 190). Victims in physical danger need physical safety, financial assistance and legal protection (Levers, 2012, p. 190). Clinicians should have a list of providers for these services, such as: local shelters, lawyers, and victim advocates (Levers, 2012, p. 190). Only after the victim’s basic needs are met, should the clinician address the effects of the trauma and any self-defeating patterns of the victim (Levers, 2012, p. 190).
Hotlines
Suicide hotline – text 988, 988lifeline.org - they are available 24/7/365
The National Domestic Hotline – thehotline.org, Text “START” to 88788.
Often times abusers will monitor their victim’s internet usage to identify the websites they are accessing. Abusers may become violent if they find out that you or a loved one is seeking help regarding the domestic violence.
If you are concerned that your internet usage might be monitored, call 800.799.SAFE (7233)
References
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2024). About Intimate Partner Violence. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/index.html
Exline, J. J., Grubbs, J. B., & Homolka, S. J. (2015). Seeing God as cruel or distant: Links with divine struggles involving anger, doubt, and fear of God's disapproval. International Journal for the Psychology of Religion, 25(1), 29-41. https://doi.org/10.1080/10508619.2013.857255
Gosselin, D. K. (2013). Heavy hands: An introduction to the crimes of intimate and family violence. (5th ed.) Boston, MA: Prentice Hall.
Levers, L. L. (2012). Trauma counseling: Theories and interventions. New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company.
Price, C. A., Bush, K. R., & Price, S. J. (Eds.). (2017). Families & change: Coping with stressful events & transitions. (5th ed.). Los Angeles, CA: Sage Publications.